


Finding Humanity with You

by Bemused_Writer



Category: Mass Effect Trilogy
Genre: Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Canonical Character Death, F/F, F/M, Mild Sexual Content
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-07
Updated: 2020-04-07
Packaged: 2021-03-02 00:48:26
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,649
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23526409
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Bemused_Writer/pseuds/Bemused_Writer
Summary: Shepard's attempt at being a good commander, at keeping a distance, and how that fails abysmally the further along she goes.An exploration of Shepard's relationships with Thane and Liara throughoutMass Effect.
Relationships: Female Shepard/Liara T'Soni, Thane Krios/Female Shepard
Comments: 2
Kudos: 11





	Finding Humanity with You

**Author's Note:**

> There is some quoted dialogue from the games, but it's used to explore the ideas and does not take over the fic.

There were some things Shepard excelled at and other things she failed at in such a spectacular fashion she had to wonder how she was put in charge of anything whatsoever. Leading people into battle? She had that covered. Tactical plans? A little so-so, but she made it work. Interpersonal relationships? A complete mess.

So when a beautiful asari scientist asked her straightforwardly if she was interested in her, Shepard’s mind went completely blank. This hadn’t been on the agenda and she felt somewhat certain she wasn’t supposed to be romancing her staff. Furthermore, she’d just finished turning Alenko down. He was a wonderful person, but not only did she not feel that way, there was the matter of his being a crewmember to consider as well.

But there was no denying things were a little different with Liara. Shepard had never put much thought into who she found attractive—a simple enough matter when she was always in the midst of a crisis--and she was now paying the price for that as she was utterly blindsided by how this woman’s intelligence, beauty, and curiosity was actually quite appealing.

The conversation had started out simple enough, but had quickly dissolved into what Shepard could only describe as “an uncomfortable mess.”

“I thought there might be a relationship between you and Lt. Alenko,” Liara prodded gently.

 _He had thought the same,_ Shepard thought exasperatedly. What was she doing wrong? She thought she’d kept a proper distance between her crewmates and yet—

“The lieutenant and I are just friends. Nothing more,” she offered, feeling a strange need to make that much clear.

“My mistake, then. I am not as adept at understanding human relationships as I thought.”

 _Am I any better?_ Shepard thought dismally. Outwardly, she maintained a stoic demeanor, uncertain where this was going.

“But what about us, Shepard?”

_Oh, no._

“Is there a mutual attraction? Or was I wrong about that, too?”

 _She’s a member of the crew,_ Shepard reminded herself. _She may not be Alliance, but it would be wrong to involve myself in their lives in this manner. It destroys crew integrity, displays favoritism…_

“Shepard?” Liara prompted awkwardly. “Did I… Am I wrong? By the Goddess, I am, aren’t I? This is so embarrassing….”

“I’m sorry, Liara,. I just want us to be friends,” she said firmly. _Liar._

It ate at Shepard for the rest of the mission, a minor regret she couldn’t quite shake off despite all the other distractions placed in front of her.

Thankfully, Liara was a professional. She set the whole thing aside, though Shepard wasn’t blind to the way Liara’s eyes would often trail over her in a way that couldn’t very well be described as platonic. She caught Garrus chuckling in the elevator over it once.

“What is it?” Liara asked.

“Oh, nothing. Just remembered something, that’s all.”

Liara looked unconvinced. Shepard refused to make eye contact with either of them.

She wasn’t given much time to think about it after things took a turn for the worst. Shepard had ensured victory, but the cost was steep.

* * *

And then she died.

She’d heard once that the dying often had specific regrets, wishes for how they’d lived their lives. Shepard’s death was quick enough that she didn’t get to spend a great deal of time on could-have-beens, but she did see a flash of blue before everything went dark, felt momentary regret that she never got to see the universe as it should be: at peace.

And then she was alive again, working with the enemy in an effort to stop an even _worse_ enemy from wreaking havoc on the universe.

Just another day at the job.

Death really did have a way of shifting priorities, however, and she was no longer military, so when Thane approached her with cautious interest, this time she said “yes.” He was handsome in an entirely alien way, experienced the world radically different from her, but he was willing to share his thoughts and time with her and there was no doubt in her mind that he held genuine affection for her. She could let herself have this this time. 

“You and Thane, huh?” Garrus said nonchalantly one day when she came to check on his work.

“What about it?” she asked, only a touch defensively.

“Nothing, just didn’t think you’d ever bother. You’re a hard woman to reach, Shepard.”

“Yeah,” she admitted softly, “I’ve kind of figured that out. It’s just…”

“Hm?”

“Things haven’t felt quite real ever since, you know.” How could she put it into words? How could she explain that every time she went to sleep it was like she was dying all over again?

“Everything all right?” Now there was a touch of concern in his voice and that didn’t sit well with her. She was supposed to be his leader.

“Of course it is,” she replied, her commander voice falling back into place. “Just wanted to see how those calibrations are coming.”

Garrus made a soft clicking sound—she knew he didn’t believe her—but he was professional enough to follow the unspoken command. He talked about his work and Shepard listened. It was a relief.

Things with Thane proceeded nicely, almost innocently, and it was a welcome juxtaposition to the harsh reality that surrounded her everywhere else save for one thing: she knew it couldn’t last.

He’d told her of his disease when they first met, but it only started to sink in later as he told her about his people’s beliefs, how he would rejoin the ocean.

 _Ah,_ she realized. _That’s what that darkness was._

It did not console her.

* * *

When he came up to her cabin, distraught for the first time since she’d met him, tears in his eyes, silently asking for her help, she realized the truth. _I love him._

His skin was cool to the touch when she brought him to her bed. She supposed that made sense; he was reptilian. It was why he’d asked for a warmer room.

She removed his clothing with the utmost care, discarding her own in turn, and held him as tight as she dared. She thought, for a brief moment, it could be likened to the sky meeting the ocean and that kind of eternity couldn't be broken, not by anything.

They clung to each other afterwards, each battling their own demons; the scent of fear was pungent in the air and she wondered if love was always this sorrowful.

It was awkward when she finally met Liara again. It felt like decades had passed them by and Liara was no fool. She immediately knew what Thane was to her and there was sadness in her eyes she did not voice.

Shepard still found her beautiful. Beautiful and all the more unreachable for she was the shadow broker now.

At the end of it all, Liara still embraced her in friendship and Shepard only barely let go of her when she went to move away.

“Come back soon…”

The silence in her cabin was a force to be reckoned with afterwards. Liara was one of her best friends even if she'd been too cowardly to pursue her in the past. But now she was distant, locked away on that ship, managing the universe.

And even with Thane at her side, she still felt like she was dying. And every time she slipped into that darkness, she dreamt. Sometimes she wondered if she was still human because a human shouldn’t be able to come back from the dead, shouldn't have such empty dreams as this. It was all so much easier when she was awake; at least then she had infinite distractions.

But along with those distractions came bloodshed and part of her knew, she couldn’t last forever, even if she were a machine.

There was an odd hollowness in her chest that nothing seemed to fix.

* * *

“Shepard, I wasn’t sure how you’d feel. If you’d feel betrayed or…”

“Thanks to you I have a chance at life,” Shepard said with more certainty than she felt. “How could I be mad?”

How could she indeed? Even if she was an AI, she was an AI that remembered she cared for Liara, knew that Liara would never purposefully do anything to hurt her. Shepard grasped her hands tightly in her own. “Liara, thank you. You’re always looking out for me.” She gave a small twist of her lips.

Liara’s lips parted slightly as she gripped her hands tightly in turn. Thane watched them silently from the other room. Shepard could feel his eyes on her; she knew him well enough at this point to know what he was thinking and it made her feel guilty. Thane would never begrudge her finding companionship after he was gone; he'd probably even support it if she asked him about it.

Liara moved forward, looked up at her, and pressed her lips to Shepard’s cheek.

“I’ve done no more than you would have,” she said quietly. “I feel I’ve certainly done less.”

“Don’t be silly,” Shepard said sternly.

But in the deepest part of her soul, she still wondered if she was really human. No human would be like this, surely. As Liara and Thane followed her lead, she wondered how long it would be before someone else started wondering, too.

* * *

Victory came at a steep price, something Shepard was starting to expect at this point. For every good day she was permitted she suffered about five bad ones.

“I won’t be able to see you for a while,” Shepard murmured from where she was resting against Thane’s shoulder.

“I know, siha.”

No, that wasn’t right. This calm acceptance was simply—

“Will you be okay?”

He turned to face her, a wry grin on his lips. “I will be well. I know we will see each other again.”

She kissed him and left it at that, memorized the coolness of his lips and the way he wrapped his arms about her as if she were made of glass despite how much he knew she wasn't.

* * *

His death was utter devastation. Earth was gone, Thane was gone, and for some reason she was still in charge, wasn’t dead yet.

It felt like there was a particularly malicious god that made sure it kept tabs on her specifically just to prevent anything really good from ever happening.

Falling asleep was worse than ever. Instead of that darkness, she had to wander about an infinite maze of death and pain. If this wasn’t Hell, she wasn’t sure what was.

Liara was back, though. That was nice.

No, it was more than nice and the guilt ate away at her. She was the one who had turned her down all those years ago. She was the one currently mourning a man she’d come to love, and she was the one who was going to pursue it anyway because the part of her that upheld commanding values was utterly jaded and what was the point anyway?

So, one day on shore leave, it all just came out and it was awkward and messy and Shepard wished she’d be struck down by lightning so the whole thing could finally be over.

“Shepard, I didn’t think---not that I… I mean, I could see how…”

“Sorry, no pressure.” _Tell me I’m being hasty,_ Shepard thought desperately. _Tell me I’m moving on too fast, that_ I _was the one who rejected you all those years ago. Let me know that someone can see how much of a mess I’ve become—_

Liara didn’t do any of those things. Instead she looked up at Shepard with that subtle tinge of awe Shepard remembered the first time they’d met and said, “No, no. I can tell you my answer now.” She paused for a moment, looked out across the Citadel, that spark in her eye growing with the smile on her face. “I like you a lot, too, Shepard. And I’d… like it very much.”

_Oh._

“I would, too,” Shepard breathed and it was the truth, the truth she had denied Liara when she first approached her and if nothing else, it was nice to finally have that out in the open.

When they kissed, Shepard clung to her far too tightly. It was as if Liara was the only thing that could prevent the world from shattering. If Liara wondered why she was shaking so badly, she was polite enough not to say anything. Liara had always been kind; being a shadow broker hadn’t changed that a bit.

Shepard just wondered if she was worthy of that kindness.

* * *

Liara’s skin was smooth with little ridges she could just make out, almost like a snake’s, as she pressed her hands up her sides. Liara dipped her head and gently pressed her lips to Shepard’s own.

“I never thought we’d have this,” she murmured into her ear. “I thought…”

It was a perfect moment, a moment that encapsulated the culmination of their entire relationship, so naturally Shepard couldn't just let it be. There was too much unspoken already, too much uncertainty, she could die at any minute and-- “I lied back then,” Shepard said interrupted guiltily, the need for confession overwhelming. Liara immediately withdrew.

“What?” she asked uncertainly. Her eyes wracked Shepard’s face, seeking an explanation, worry etched into her every feature.

“When we first met,” Shepard continued awkwardly. “You asked if it was a mutual attraction and I said it wasn’t. I lied.”

“Back then?” Liara looked immensely perplexed. “You don’t mean when you … You don’t mean you want to stop?”

It was Shepard’s turn to stare at her in confusion. “Why would I want to stop?”

“I thought… I thought you were about to tell me we were taking things too far.” She trailed her fingers up and down Shepard's sternum uncertainly.

“Oh…” Shepard felt a flash of guilt. “No, Liara. I’m sorry I… probably should have timed this a little better.”

“Shepard…” Liara gently pushed her back down when she tried to rise in an effort to fix things somehow. She fiddled with the strap of Shepard’s bra consideringly. Her weight was atop her was an odd pillar of comfort to hold onto while Shepard's mind ran a mile a minute. “Why did you lie back then?”

“I was afraid,” Shepard admitted with painful honestly. “You were a member of my crew. I couldn’t take advantage of you like that.”

“Take advantage?” Liara gave a short, exasperated laugh. “Shepard, I have wanted nothing more than to be with you for years. Surely you could see that?”

“I mean, I thought… Maybe?” Shepard managed. “But I don’t deserve it.” _Not any of it._ “I’ve hurt you, I’m just a lost individual fighting a losing war, and…” She bit her lip; she was saying far too much.

Liara gazed down at her with heart wrenching sadness. “You really believe that, don’t you?” she murmured. “Even after all the good you’ve done, you don’t think you deserve to be happy, too.”

Shepard looked askance; she couldn’t deny the truth of what she was saying. Liara gently cupped her cheek, cradled it, moved her so they had eye contact.

“Shepard, sometimes love isn’t about what you do or don’t deserve. I won’t try to convince you of how much you deserve the world. The universe!” She chuckled softly. “I wrote your name into the stars after all. The fact you can’t see that hurts but…

“I love you. I always have, so please, for me,” she leaned forward, resting her brow against Shepard’s own, “let yourself be cared for at least a fraction of the amount you’ve cared for every living thing, at least for tonight.”

“Liara…” She wrapped her arms about her and pulled her close and when Liara kissed her and she was wreathed in the power of her biotics, it felt like benediction.

**Author's Note:**

> My Shepard romanced Thane and then romanced Liara and I felt like there wasn't nearly enough drama surrounding either of those choices in the game, so I decided to write this piece.
> 
> I'd like to eventually explore some more _Mass Effect_ story ideas, particularly with Shepard/Liara, so this was a good way of testing the world out. ^^
> 
> * * *
> 
> You can see more of my stuff/say hi on [Dreamwidth](https://bemused-writer.dreamwidth.org/) and [Tumblr](https://bemused-writer.tumblr.com/). (^^)


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